Medicine You Won’t Have Seen in The News
By Deborah Harry
1) Dubstep Cures Cancer
A meta-analysis of fourteen Ministry of Sound compilation CDs has shown a vast improvement when listened to by patients with cancer. Over a period of six treatment days, the revolutionary dubstep treatment was delivered in the form of drops and then observations were made as to the patient’s continued well being. 3067 people took part in the trial.
Tinnitus was a side effect in 98% of the patients, and irritation was noted in almost 100% of them. Some of the patients studied developed ATIM (awful taste in music) whilst others were caused serious discomfort. Those that showed discomfort with the treatment seemed less affected by the treatment. Contact with MRI scanners must be avoided during the treatment period, as the risk to the patient would be too great, as Magnetic Man is a potential source of the dubstep in this manner of administration.
Even though follow up studies are required, the advent of a new injection into bassline culture is to be expected in 2015.
2) Massive Step Forward in Foot Surgery
Man has bad foot. Man is treated. Man walks.
3) Apple unveils it’s Medical Wing
In wake of the the global economic meltdown, media juggernaut Apple has today unveiled it’s venture into the world of global healthcare. A spokesman was quoted as saying ‘healthcare is something we all will require, even when the bankers have repossessed our houses and our souls, and in the case of Apple, seeing is believing. iEye is the future of eyecare on this planet. Healthcare like this has never been seen before.’
The company have therefore unveiled their new string of opticians and opthalmology specialists for the UK high street. Rather than use already existant terminology, Apple are planning to call their employees something far more hip than merely an 'optician'.
'Yeah were going with a sort of East London vibe. We're calling them View Sculptors'.
Already a massive success in the states, iEye will endeavour and fail to cater for the every day consumer.
‘As with our computers and the new ipad 2, we’ll be charging a small but manageable four figure fee to be part of this brand new cultural revolution.’
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